The Beginning - Looking Forward to the Future

By Amanda Turner, RYT200

Growing up, I felt very connected to myself. As somewhat of an introvert, I spent a lot of my time in my mind and I liked it that way. It was a dramatic place to be, sometimes it still is, but I felt content there. I was free to think, to learn who I am, who I want to be, what I like and what I do not. I used to call myself selfish for those reasons, but I now know that is not the right word. That word, coupled with my fear of being called it, was what led me to abandon what I knew was right for me. 

Driving the small roads of my hometown was something I made space for. Most of the time it was a solo activity, providing me time to sort out whatever life-ending problems were plaguing my teenage self. I had time to wonder, to breathe, to sing, or to scream into the void. I sought out time alone, time connected to myself. I never feared it. 

As an adult, I found myself on a path with an end; a resolution I knew with certainty would come. There was no questioning it, no dreaming of where I could end up. I knew where it would be. And for the first time in my life, I dreaded the future. I found myself slipping away from who I was, unraveling ties with what I wanted. Fear of judgment held me back. When what I called the end came, I found myself in a career where I ended the day very much out of my body. Anxiety crept into my mind in ways I’d never experienced. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t stop my thoughts from racing in circles. I sought out quick fixes for how to solve this problem and all of them resulted in me avoiding my mind at all costs, worried about what I would find there.